A complete breakdown of the Eurovision Song Contest

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Opening Act

Pretty suckish compared to Russia's last year, which was pure perfection. Alexander Rybak poncing around with his broken violin again. Old news, boring, change channel.

Azerbaijan

This was the bookies favourite but clearly going first did it no favours. Can't say I'm that upset as while it's a good, mildly catchy song, Azerbaijani YouTube commentators are lethal. They get so unreasonably competitive. Jeez.
Why is Safura only wearing half a glove? And the dude doing some faux-ballet behind her is very, very, distracting. Still, a nice strong start to the competition.

Spain

This was some creepy shizz. "Algo Pequinito (Something Tiny)" is bloody terrifying. A load of overgrown, heavily made up toybox toys having epileptic fits on the stage. Glad to see the UK isn't the only country that can't take this seriously. The singer himself, Daniel Diges, has some serious Jewfro action going on. Stuff of nightmares, I kid you not. Song was improved immensly by the fan who ran onto the stage and started dancing. Kudos to Spain for carrying on as usual.

Norway

Hosting the Eurovision costs a lot (despite the fact that this years is about as low budget as it gets) Can you blame Norway for not wanting to win again? Didrik Solli-Tangen (singing "My Heart Is Yours) really reminds me of that dude from Blue who you always suspected was gay but was never 100% sure. The song is the typical Euroballad of which pops up every year, with the obligitary semitone key change near the end. You can't fault his singing ability but the song is just a tad too slow for my tastes. Meh.

Moldova

The dude playing the violin while jumping, spinning and generally acting like a douche is hilarious (and talented). A nice bit of Euro electropop from the SunStroke Project feat. Olia Tira (song name: Run Away) for some comic relief. Dancing = fail. Makeup = fail. Lyrics = fail. Altogether = pleasingly amusing.

Cyprus

lolwut?
"Life Looks Better In Spring" written by two Cypriots, performed by some Welsh dude and his British friends. If you're into pretentious, acoustic, Scouting for Girlsesque music this probably made your night. I actually went off to feed the fish during this song because I was like, dying of laughter. Why is his guitar taped up with gaffer tape? Whyyyyy?

Bosnia and Herzegovina

The first of the former Yugoslavian pals that forgave each other for the years of violent fighting and now award each other twelve points whenever possible.The first faux-rock of the evening performed by Mr Receding Hairline (Vukasin Brajic) is named "Thunder and Lightening". Gotta love the thunder effects and the fake guitar solo (by now, most of Europe know that ESC rules forbid your instruments actually being plugged in, preventing us hearing anything but the backing track and the singer) The competence this year is making the entries very difficult to mock. Still, I do try.

Belgium

Average teenage girl - this will appeal to you. Tom Dice - Me and My Guitar (written by himself). This song does exactly what it says on the tin - if you were looking for the typical Eurovision theatrics, it's literally just him. and. his. guitar. It sounds boooooooring. Where are the lights? Dancers? Gimmicks? However, this is Belgium's first qualification since 2004, so clearly this has something going for it. In practice, the song is alright, perfectly listenable. All in all, a refreshingly simple three or so minutes.

Serbia

Some Eurocheese for us to munch on! Ovo Je Balkan (performed by Milan Stankovic) is an overly excitable...tune. Don't really know how to describe it, in all honesty :P It's cute and one of the things I really shouldn't admit to liking. What the obsession with having "Balkan" in the song title? Last year, it was Romania with "The Balkan Girls" and now Serbia. I'm not complaining, though, the refrain of "Balkan Balkan Balkan" is insanely catchy. A "can't help but smile" tune.

Just go away, Presenter

The irritating Nadia woman pops back up for no good reason and talks about how Spain get to go again. Joy.

Belarus

3+2 with Butterflies. The women turn into butterflies halfway through. how. did. you. people. qualify.

Ireland

That type of power ballad needs a key change like the UK need a good song. Desperately. Niamh Kavanagh (singing It's For You) has already won Eurovision previously so I don't know what she's trying to achieve by returning (another win is pretty unlikely) but a solid performance from Ireland. Her and Iceland's singer (Hera Bjork) seem to be interchangeable though.

Greece

Giorgios Alkaios and Friends (song: OPA!)have entered a ringtone which appears to have been remixed with the movie 300. I approve. Greece almost always do a great Eurovision track and this is no exception. It has the familiar Grecian beat with a techno thread. The hunky male dancers don't hurt it, either. Niiiiiiice.

United Kingdom

Nuff said, really.

Just go away, Presenter

Haddy comes and molests Graham Norton. The rest of Europe got an ad break. By this point, that irritating We Buy Any Car advert is looking quite appealing. Why no ads, BBC? WHYYYYYYYY?

Georgia

Sofia Nizharadze does some very, very odd things with her eyes near the end of the song (Shine) which actually made me slightly worried as she looks like she's having a seizure or something...pretty average, Europop ballad which will do reasonably well. Great singing. Too much guyliner on the dancers, though.

Turkey

Turkey always do quite well in Eurovision but with the second faux rock/anti establishment song of the evening (yeah, look at us being so hard and awesome, sit through this singing competition and stick it to the man by VOTING FOR US) this is a possible winner. They have a robot at the back that stands like a statue until about the two minutes mark, when it suddenly comes to life and starts taking the suit off, revealing a pretty blonde lady who...comes and drapes a flag over the lead singer. *shrugs*. manGa - We Could Be The Same. This should appeal even to non-rock fans, becuase it's quite catchy and generally very impressive.

Albania

Apparantly Albania still think it's 1980 with their entry. "It's all about you" by Juliana Pasha is a Eurodisco tune masquerading as sophisticated electropop.
...
It's not a song you can be particulary verbose about.


Iceland

Hera Bjork (the Ireland entry's doppleganger) sings "Je Ne Sais Quoi". Pleasingly Europop, pleasingly catchy, but doesn't stand out from the rest.

Ukraine

Ukraine, the country of Euro stardom, the country that gave us the stripper in the hamster wheel (2009) and the dancing tin foil robots (2007) and the awesome Ani Lorak (2008) has thought it appropriate to bring some limp blonde (Alyosha, "singing" Sweet People)to sing this faux rock ballad with lyrics that make NO SENSE. What's up with the leather monk hood? What's with the lyrics "The message is so real, the end is really near?" But it's going to be a winner. It's going to win the most baffling song of the evening award.
Having a rich daddy counts for a lot in Ukraine. Remember this.

EDIT: Apparantly the song is about environmental issues. Doesn't look like noise pollution is one of her concerns.

France

Jessy Matador with "Allez Ola Ole" easily pwns most of the competition with this high octane, Congolese song. Crazy dance moves, great lighting, poor camera work (it keeps zooming out at the interesting bits, but that's not their fault) and performed with geniune commitment. Yes, it's a football anthem but it translates so well to stage (better, than say, Germany's song - the song is great but on stage, not so powerful) that it should score highly. It didn't, but it should have.

Romania

Lovely, cute, happy Europop duet that is sure to have many fans. The dual piano is a novel touch, too. Paula Seling and Ovi - Playing With Fire. Check out the official video, it's pretty cool.

Russia

Clearly they don't want to win again (they spent quite a bit on Eurovision 2009) so they thought they'd send three minutes of suicidal tendencies to a song contest. Lost and Forgotten is sung by Peter Nalitch and Friends (are you sure he has any friends? He seems like such a JOY to be around, end sarcasm) and he sings to a "photo" (it's not, it's a very poor sketch). Oh, and way to butcher the English Language, Nalitch.

Armenia

A very pretty girl singing about Apricot Stones. The cameraman enjoyed focussing on her pair of "apricot stones" a tad too much, though.

Germany

The favourite (joint with Azerbaijan). Now, I love this song (Lena singing Satellite). I've been listening to it and France's song for ages before the contest. But I don't think it looks all that impressive on stage - it's literally just her, with unchoreographed dance moves, holding her stomach a lot and three backing singers, which does not an entertaining show make. Still, it's number one in a lot of Europe and will do well.

Portugal

Basically the UK circa Jade Ewen.

Israel

Disappointing, but then again I've never seen an Israeli entry that has been, you know, good. He sings of tears of blood. I cried tears of blood all the way through that song. Ghastly.

Denmark

*pukes*

And Spain again, but was the same sans intruder.

Interval act:

As good as Russia's. True, there were no people in swimming pools suspended from the ceiling. Instead we got fairly awesome flashmobs and dancing and MADCON, YEAH! from all over Europe. A simple idea, yet fairly impressive. Probably cheaper, too. Yeah, I've got your number Oslo.

Votes:

Germany won as everyone knows. Not an unexpected result. Turkey achieved a respectable second (it really was a good song) with Romania in third (again, good song). Drip Drop (Azerbaijan) was one of the big disapointments of the evening - a favourite to win, yet only achieving fifth? Burn.


Countries that were ROBBED:

France
Azerbaijan
Greece
Serbia (OK, maybe not, but the song was funny :P)

Countries that achieved higher than deserved:

Russia
Ukraine (the top two shouldn't have even made the semi finals)
Denmark
Armenia (hadn't guessed nice bewbs counted for so much?!)
Israel

Until next year, peoples.